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I’m unique, but I want you to be just like me

Snowflake's identity crisis

We all like to think that we are reasonable, fair and mature, but we still poke fun of that vegetarian at the barbecue or sneer down at that hotdog eater who doesn’t believe in tofu dogs. You tell your friend it’s ok to be whatever shape she is, but proudly inform your spouse later that you coped better with pregnancy pounds than she did with the holidays.

The human ego is wired like that. It constantly wants validation that we are doing the right thing, and are on the right side. We hang out with people who make similar choices as us and we’re quick to judge those who don’t. We ensure that our children learn our values because we think that we stand for the right things. But although we think we are reasonable and unbiased, the verdict in case of a moral conflict is almost always in our favor, because that makes us feel good about our choices. Differences make us feel insecure, unsure and even a little scared sometimes.

So what is right? And since we pride yourself on being rational, how do we define it and back it up with solid proof? Some things are easy—like stealing, doing drugs and being abusive. But other things are not so black and white, and there are many shades in between. Take, for example, food choices or cultural idiosyncrasies. Law, religion and culture further complicate the defining process, and what is considered legal/holy/right by some may be deplorable for others. So each group feels strongly about their choices because they are backed up by so and so law/scripture/philosophy, and scorns the others, forgetting that all facts are relative.

Yes, all facts are relative. Every philosophy—religious or otherwise—has an ideal toward which it aspires, and the directives ensure that its followers can attain it. So everything that’s deemed ‘right’ or ‘holy’ is only so if you’re travelling on that ship and wearing that uniform. The law is driven by socio-economic motives and can quickly do an about-turn in its validations; think about the recent upheaval of state laws on legalizing weed—we all know that keeping minors safe wasn’t the primary motivation for that bill. So just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s always right, and vice versa.

How does all this trickle down to an everyday level? Our self-identity is partly influenced by our family, peers, culture, religion or philosophy of thought and our country, more or less in that order. Since we don’t know what the real definition of right is, it is natural to measure everything around us by matching it up against ourselves and our choices. Some differences are insignificant and we manage to take it in our stride, but some go against our fundamental beliefs and we cannot reason with them. So if someone or something does not conform to this fundamental belief, we assume that they are either wrong, misinformed or inferior. For example, think about someone dear to us dating a much older/younger person, swingers or even something seemingly as minor as women consuming alcohol (modern India is still struggling with this hypocrisy).

Can we change? Maybe in some categories, but definitely not in some. A friend once said that our belief system is built on two things—reason and conviction. The things we can reason with can be rethought, reshaped and expanded but there is no changing conviction. A vegetarian will always see a dead animal on others’ plates and yet flatly disagree with a vegan on how an animal was tortured for that milkshake.

Luckily, for everyday life, we don’t need to reevaluate our entire belief system. A good human being is not one who is fair and empathetic toward everyone; she knows when not to comment, and when to let things be without labeling them. Although we don’t need to agree with everyone else’s choices, we can choose to not judge them as weird, immoral or inferior. We don’t need to be alike somebody, but there is no need to be scared of them, dislike them, or pity them. We won’t be able to follow this all the time, but it might still make us some more friends because we’re not closing them out or hurting them. Of course, reevaluating in the meantime will help us be more rational in the long run and recognize when we react out of reason or strong conviction. It will help us pass on the best of ourselves to the next generation.

You can’t measure the entire world with one yardstick. Nature created us all differently so we could grow, gain depth and learn something new every day. Every snowflake is unique, and yet they all fit in harmony to form a beautiful blanket of snow. So can we.

You want to be unique, so why expect the world to be just like you?

Proud, not prude

“Pride is an attitude that separates excellence from mediocrity”

How understood is pride? How do we differentiate between pride and ego, self-esteem from selfishness, self-preservation from self-centeredness?

To understand the feeling of Pride, the basic eligibility is pride itself. Only when one has pride can he recognize it in others, and have a standard in life to measure the events and people who come across in the course of his life.

Pride is essentially the outcome of loving wholeheartedly what we do, and an undeterring confidence in our abilities. Our attitude to life changes in accordance with our attitude toward ourselves; our social image is a projection of our self-image, which is so deeply embedded in us that it seeps out through every movement that classifies us as alive. Our self image is perceived by others and either respected or degraded, as projected to be received.

Not only is respecting our stand in life important, but respect for other people’s worth is a crucial distinguishing factor between pride and ego. The standard which is applied to others should be applied first to oneself. By understanding others’ needs as being as essential as ours, we go a long way into making dear friends and lasting relationships, for compassion is the basis of humanity.

However, the elation of pride does come with a price tag. In a world where the power lies in the masses, it is not easy to stand above the average and refuse to flow with the law of majorities. Many cannot tolerate exceptions for fear of corruption of the Average Universal Mindset. Many give in and compromise their values for exchange of an easier stand. But some strive to get their point across, refusing to be tied down by conventional standards of living.

Indeed, one must have perseverance in the battle for individuality, an essential element for one ’s self esteem. Once convinced that his decision brings a better life in some way, one must believe entirely in his staying power and know that he can depend upon himself even when the closest friends move away. When the grueling times are past, and endured in one piece, there are no doubts remaining about the inner strength of the personality.

We must realize that it is only our stubborn belief in ourselves that can rescue us from the shattering anger of trying times, and bestow upon us the power of endurance. The pain of the odyssey can be transformed into a brilliant achievement. The light of satisfaction will then shine like a crazy diamond through our hearts and glorify all that we exist for.

Thus, Troubles are just God’s chisel to cut another corner in the gem of our soul so the dazzling rays of our realizations and accomplishment can light up the dull lives of the dormant souls. It is just our belief, the pride we take in ourselves and the trust we put into our choices, which will navigate us through the uncharted territory of life.


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