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I’m unique, but I want you to be just like me

Snowflake's identity crisis

We all like to think that we are reasonable, fair and mature, but we still poke fun of that vegetarian at the barbecue or sneer down at that hotdog eater who doesn’t believe in tofu dogs. You tell your friend it’s ok to be whatever shape she is, but proudly inform your spouse later that you coped better with pregnancy pounds than she did with the holidays.

The human ego is wired like that. It constantly wants validation that we are doing the right thing, and are on the right side. We hang out with people who make similar choices as us and we’re quick to judge those who don’t. We ensure that our children learn our values because we think that we stand for the right things. But although we think we are reasonable and unbiased, the verdict in case of a moral conflict is almost always in our favor, because that makes us feel good about our choices. Differences make us feel insecure, unsure and even a little scared sometimes.

So what is right? And since we pride yourself on being rational, how do we define it and back it up with solid proof? Some things are easy—like stealing, doing drugs and being abusive. But other things are not so black and white, and there are many shades in between. Take, for example, food choices or cultural idiosyncrasies. Law, religion and culture further complicate the defining process, and what is considered legal/holy/right by some may be deplorable for others. So each group feels strongly about their choices because they are backed up by so and so law/scripture/philosophy, and scorns the others, forgetting that all facts are relative.

Yes, all facts are relative. Every philosophy—religious or otherwise—has an ideal toward which it aspires, and the directives ensure that its followers can attain it. So everything that’s deemed ‘right’ or ‘holy’ is only so if you’re travelling on that ship and wearing that uniform. The law is driven by socio-economic motives and can quickly do an about-turn in its validations; think about the recent upheaval of state laws on legalizing weed—we all know that keeping minors safe wasn’t the primary motivation for that bill. So just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s always right, and vice versa.

How does all this trickle down to an everyday level? Our self-identity is partly influenced by our family, peers, culture, religion or philosophy of thought and our country, more or less in that order. Since we don’t know what the real definition of right is, it is natural to measure everything around us by matching it up against ourselves and our choices. Some differences are insignificant and we manage to take it in our stride, but some go against our fundamental beliefs and we cannot reason with them. So if someone or something does not conform to this fundamental belief, we assume that they are either wrong, misinformed or inferior. For example, think about someone dear to us dating a much older/younger person, swingers or even something seemingly as minor as women consuming alcohol (modern India is still struggling with this hypocrisy).

Can we change? Maybe in some categories, but definitely not in some. A friend once said that our belief system is built on two things—reason and conviction. The things we can reason with can be rethought, reshaped and expanded but there is no changing conviction. A vegetarian will always see a dead animal on others’ plates and yet flatly disagree with a vegan on how an animal was tortured for that milkshake.

Luckily, for everyday life, we don’t need to reevaluate our entire belief system. A good human being is not one who is fair and empathetic toward everyone; she knows when not to comment, and when to let things be without labeling them. Although we don’t need to agree with everyone else’s choices, we can choose to not judge them as weird, immoral or inferior. We don’t need to be alike somebody, but there is no need to be scared of them, dislike them, or pity them. We won’t be able to follow this all the time, but it might still make us some more friends because we’re not closing them out or hurting them. Of course, reevaluating in the meantime will help us be more rational in the long run and recognize when we react out of reason or strong conviction. It will help us pass on the best of ourselves to the next generation.

You can’t measure the entire world with one yardstick. Nature created us all differently so we could grow, gain depth and learn something new every day. Every snowflake is unique, and yet they all fit in harmony to form a beautiful blanket of snow. So can we.

You want to be unique, so why expect the world to be just like you?

Salon Rules 101

I pause outside the glass door with its shutters closed. Have I checked everything? I’m impeccably dressed, I am on time for my appointment, and know what I want. I enter (placing my right foot first for luck). There are three women in the room.

“Hi!” I say brightly. The first impression is the best impression, even though this is not my first visit.

A big looking woman gestures me to a seat.

A visit to a salon is NOT, as many (mostly men) believe, a vanity affair. On the contrary, it can be a quite stressful. Murphy’s laws apply all the time—if something can go wrong, it will. A chipped nail, mismatched brows, and product allergies—you name it. Everyone has their own salon horror story. Many of my friends are even superstitious about it—no cutting nails on Fridays and no hair cuts on Tuesdays, in case they anger the Beauty Gods.

Now there are certain ground rules to having a successful salon/beauty parlor/day spa experience. For this post, I will address them all as salon to make it simpler.

The first rule, look great when you walk in. Set a high bar for their services.

The second rule, always take an appointment, even if it’s only a ten-minute job. It gives you the air of someone busy and therefore, important. Talking about how stressed you are also helps.

The third rule, give the stylist a broad idea of what you want and end with “You’re the expert, I’ll leave the rest to you.” Broad, warm  smile. Trust, or even a show of it, is the best flattery.

The fourth and the most important rule, NEVER contradict your stylist. A sure fire way of making yourself a living example of Murphy’s law’s manifestation is to correct high-flown talk with reason. Give respect, and take service. An “Oops”, and a “Sorry”, and you’re stuck with a permanently surprised look on your face or look like a piece of Picasso art. So when my sweet lady, who seems to have mistaken The Onion for National news, tells me her views on politics, sports, religion, etc etc etc, I agree. Empathetically.

So here we are. My good lady is practicing politics, and I’m on automatic response mode, while I focus on counting the snips made so far—was it 3 on the left and 4 on the right?(“Absolutely!”) did I specify the right length?(“True!”) I try to look but my hair covers my eyes. Now the conversation’s shifted to some dispute involving the righteous woman. I shift gears in my auto answer and continue worrying. (“She said that?”) Well, the only reconciliation is that at least there is no pain during a haircut! (“Serves her right!”)

Finally, the curtain in front of my eyes undergoes a rendezvous with the scissors as well and after some blowdrying, a satisfied grunt wakes me from my reverie. There is silence only once during my visit—when the job is done and awaiting approval.

This is where the key rule of successful salon experiences comes in… always compliment generously. If in lofty comparison to another (obviously inferior) competitor, even better. And match a good tip with your compliments.

I don’t look like a bad hair day, I don’t look like a modern art piece, so this must be a job well done. Relief seems to justify the fees. No more worries for the next 6 months.

I step out with my right foot forward—just to be extra sure.


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